The only benefit that comes along with going to bed waaaay too late and waking up waaaay earlier than you need to on the weekends is that you may just remember one of the craziest dreams you’ve ever had. The kind of dream that sticks with you all day. The kind of dream that is both confusing and hilarious. I was fortunate to have such a dream last night.
Now tell me you’re not a fan of “Alex & Sierra”. If you’ve never heard of them, that’s fine. But if you’ve heard them and don’t like them, we have a problem. Because that means you’re clinically insane. Sorry to be the one to break it to ya.
I don’t watch “American Idol”. I don’t watch “The Voice”. I don’t watch “X-Factor”–the British version, the American version, or the Australian version. But I get my news from one source–a British website called The Daily Mail. It’s kinda like “if Fox News and People Magazine had a baby”. So trash, but INTERESTING trash. If I want to know what’s going on in Syria? The Daily Mail. If I want to know how much money Beyonce and Jay-Z made last year? The Daily Mail. If I want updates on ObamaCare? The Daily Mail. If I want to see disgusting pictures of Kim Zolciak from The Real Housewives of Atlanta smoking cigarettes while pregnant with twins? The Daily Mail. I love it. For better or worse, it’s truly my only news source. Judge me accordingly.
But The Daily Mail is paid to publish stories, so they’re far from impartial. I can’t even begin to tell you how often the website highlights stories about Miranda Kerr, Alessandra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima, or any other Victoria’s Secret model for that matter. So it should come as no surprise that a British website like The Daily Mail will include a hefty amount of footage from a show produced by a Brit as famous as Simon Cowell. And I’m totally cool with that. Because otherwise I may never have experienced the adorable/awesome-ness that IS “Alex & Sierra”.
I’m in love. I can just imagine their CD playing in Starbucks while I sip away at a Grande Mocha Frappuccino that I’ve secretly purchased without Dave’s knowledge. They’re both excruciatingly adorable.
I have no doubt that my love for “Alex & Sierra” is what led to the bizarre, yet hilarious, dream I had last night. In my dream, I decided to enter a singing contest with my Aunty Ann. Yes, I’m aware that the proper spelling of “Aunty” is actually “Auntie”, but she will FOREVER be “Aunty Ann” to everyone who has ever come into contact with her.
Aunty Ann is like nobody you’ve ever met before. She’s the type of person who only exists in movies. But I can assure you, she is very, very real. We haven’t spoken in months and part of me is relieved by that and part of me is saddened by that. I think it all comes down to coming to terms with whatever hardships I’m experiencing at the moment. And writing helps me to do so.
I don’t need to explain Aunty Ann to you. All I need to do is upload photos of her tattoos. That should just about sum it up.
Aunty’s tattoo of her beloved chihuahua, Nina, who died of cancer a few years back.
Aunty’s Tigger and Tweety Bird tattoos (while holding Nina)
Nina, not happy about being dressed up as a Princess for Halloween
Nina, in her “carseat”
Driving Aunty to the pet store to get her bird’s nails trimmed (and Jack, as usual, has no clothes on!)
Aunty, with her pet snake, Sweetpea
Today, one of my very good friends told me I should write a book about my life because I would become a millionaire. How strange, because my psychologist said the exact same thing . . . !
So after a long detour, let me get back to my crazy dream. For some strange reason, “X-Factor” was holding auditions in Tewksbury, Massachusetts. Which, I can promise you, would NEVER happen in real life. Tewksbury is a suburb of Boston and our only “claim to fame” was once being the Carnation Capital of the world. Hooray for us. Because everybody loooooves carnations, right? Oh wait, carnations are basically the official flower of funeral arrangements. So congratulations, Tewksbury! You were once the largest supplier of “funeral arrangement flowers” in the world! Oh, and how could I forget about THE PIG FARM?! If you’re on Route 93 and you see signs telling you that you’re entering Tewksbury . . . roll your windows up. Because you’ll probably be greeted by the stench eminating from the “Who-knows-how-it’s-legal” pig farm known as Krochmal Farms. I’m sure the Krochmal Family now has the money to change their last name to something less . . . inuendo-ish? And I’d also be willing to bet Dave’s money on the fact that some of the Oscar-Mayer bacon that you buy at Market Basket comes directly from the pigs at Krochmal Farms. Again, hooray for Tewksbury! In order to celebrate, let’s build a few more strip malls full of scrapbooking stores and tanning salons! How can we go wrong?!
So anyway, here I am. Ready for my X-Factor audition in Tewksbury, Massachusetts, wearing nothing but a pair of ripped “workout” pants and a huge t-shirt that is stained with stain (as in, wood stain). My plan for auditioning for “X-Factor”? Wing it. How could I go wrong? Despite the fact that I haven’t spoken to Aunty Ann in at least 6 months, I decided to swing by her house and pick her up so we could impress the X-Factor judges with our duet performance. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, Aunty Ann wasn’t available so I decided to audition on my own. Wearing nothing more than my pajamas.
And my song choice? Oh, I went ALL out for this one! This was the song I intended to “wow” the judges with:
You’ll be impressed to know that two out of three of the judges were blown away by my solo performance, given in my pajamas, in a town filled with the stench of a pig farm. The only person who said ‘no’ was Simon. But it didn’t matter because . . . I’M GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!!!
So there you have it. “I dreamed a dream” and now I’m heading to Hollywood! 😉
(PS–If you’d like to receive updates from Celiac Squirrel, please Like the Facebook Page for Celiac Squirrel!)